Sunday, 1 June 2014

through the eyes of a gay Christian

It's 8am. I wake up and say good morning to my same-sex partner. I say good morning to Jesus. Everyday I wake up and the first thing I am confronted with are the thoughts
"I'm still gay. I'm still a Christian. I'm still a gay Christian".

I put on the Christian radio while I make breakfast.
"Gay marriage… the church… Bishop's statement…"
I listen as a privileged, married, straight man tells the airwaves that being a gay Christian isn't possible.
I look over to my partner. I wouldn't lose her for anything. I start thinking,
"maybe I need to leave the church and stop pretending I can be both."
Then the man stops talking and a Christian song starts blaring out. It's my baptism song. My spirit is lifted. I could never give up on Jesus.
Another day, still a gay Christian.

"We've run out of milk" I shout to my partner as I try to make breakfast.
"Go and get some" she yells back.
The only thing is, I woke up this morning and knew straight away it was an anxious day. I can't leave the house.
"I can't" I yell.
"I'll come with you then".
She holds my hand as we walk down the street.
Suddenly the words cut through the air from a couple of lads overtaking us.
"Dirty lesbians"
By this point I am not sure if the voices are theirs or if I am talking to myself.

We get home and I have post! I get excited, no-one sends me much post. I tear it open and my heart sinks. It's more information from a Christian organisation who regularly bombard me with their campaigns against gay people. I wrote once and asked them to stop sending me their propaganda. It never stopped. Words on a page but the only ones I see are painted in red across my head…
"gay Christian"

I'm not doing much after breakfast. I check my Twitter. I've got a new private message.
"You're a freak and a heretic" it says. Then it said those words I dread:
"you can't be a gay Christian".

I wonder if my notification on Facebook will be more loving. It's a request for sponsorship for a marathon form a friend who was once so close and has never spoken to me again since that time she told me
"you can't be a gay Christian".

It's about 11am now and we need to go to town to get a birthday present for a friend. On the bus two boys mess around.
"You're so gay" one says to another.
"Well you are more gay" the other proudly says.
Two boys, one can't be older than 10, and they are using the word 'gay' to try and serve each other the worst possible insult. 'Gay' seems to be the worst insult they come up with and they stop throwing insults at each other after that.

We're in town. There are images everywhere. Adverts in shops, people walking down the street, love songs on the shop radios.
"Do you ever feel like the only gay person in existence?" I ask my partner,
We figure we will go to the Christian bookshop for a present for our friend. The images are overpowering. The book titles shouting about men, women, the church, heterosexual connotations everywhere.
Our friend loves a certain Christian singer. I ask if they sell her CD.
"No" the shop assistant says, "she's a leper, sorry, lesbian".
I'm not sure if I heard that right or whether it was my imagination again.
As we walk out I see a noticeboard that looks like it hasn't been updated for a while. Pinned proudly to the middle is a petition against equal marriage.
I just wanted to buy a simple gift but I found myself face-to-face with other Christians campaigning against my life, my love. I see some names I recognise on the petition from old friends of mine.
"That narrows down our wedding guest list" I mutter to my partner.

We're walking to the bus stop when I see an old friend I haven't seen since school.
"Hi ___, this is my partner ____."
My friend smiles and jokes,
"Really? But you're too pretty to be a lesbian"
Seems I don't fit in the gay world, just like I don't fit in the Christian one either.

I don't suppose there's much point describing how I am walking past a man with a placard, shouting that gay people will go to hell. I tighten my grip on my partner's hand and walk a little faster.

The laptop chirps to say we have an email. It's from a family member. It's full of bible verses about gay people not inheriting the kingdom of heaven. I thought we were over this. The parting line,
"you can't be a gay Christian".

Another family member calls.
"How's your friend?" they ask.
I'm too tired to correct them.

I turn around and see my partner is crying. The email set her off. I give her a pep talk about how we will conquer the world together. I'm not sure whether I am trying to convince her or myself.

We are getting ready to go to church.
"Do I look too gay? she asks.
"I don't want that woman scowling at us again."
"You look fine" I said.
In church I see the worship leaders, the preachers, the cell group leaders, the children's worker.
I think I've got a leadership gift. But I'm not allowed any of those positions. I'm not allowed to be in leadership. They're reserved for straight sinners only.

I flashback to the time I was kicked out of church. I felt directionless and homeless. Well, I mean I had a house to go back to. But the church was my home. Maybe I wasn't homeless but I was certainly left with a homeless heart.

I lie awake in bed. The day runs through my mind. I think of all the things said and done. That I don't belong anywhere. That I am different. Unaccepted. My whole life is built on an impossible concept of 'gay' and 'Christian' being compatible. 'Gay Christian': the oxymoron. Maybe I'm the moron. It's time to sleep before facing the whole day again tomorrow. But before I fall asleep I pray the same prayer I find myself praying everyday:
"Lord, is it ok that I'm gay?"
The peace then fills my heart. As it always does every time I ask that question.


  1. I am sorry that the Christians you meet are so way out and do not know god'slove for the whole world. Our Church is Inclusive and we take no notice of those 6 misinterpreted verses which people say are anti-gay. There are others out there who ar fighting the battle with you.

  2. thank you so much, it means a lot. i wish these stories were made up but sadly all true (although some situations described haven't directly happened to me). i hope one day we live in a world where we are kind to each other- thank you for being part of us working towards that :)

  3. You're not alone.
    And you're not wrong.
    And there are other Churches.

  4. Keep that head held high! We are all desired & loved...affirming churches/church-goers are there...on the difficult days their love & support helps...

  5. Hi, just read this. Thanks for posting. I know how hard it can sometimes feel, though I'm only just embarking venturing into the start of the dating phase as a gay Christian. Don't give up, you're not alone - your Christian brothers and sisters are standing alongside you.

  6. You would feel at home in several denominations... perhaps you could try a change of church. You could be a worship leader of many types or a priest... take a look around.... the Liberal Catholic Church International and MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) have gay women priests and leaders at episcopal level...

  7. This post was incredibly moving and I am truly sorry that you have to endure this sort of treatment from those who are meant to be your brothers and sisters. There are people though within the Church that will support you and love you for who you are, and all I can do is reiterate what those above have said; there are other Churches. Remember the Lord loves you and your partner unconditionally.

  8. I read "We've run out of mlk" seemed appropriate.

    As a straight Christian I'm really sorry for the way you have been treated. Just remember Jesus preferred the company of the people excluded by respectable religious society. Heb 13:12 NET Therefore, to sanctify the people by his own blood, Jesus also suffered outside the camp. 13 We must go out to him, then, outside the camp, bearing the abuse he experienced.

  9. Thank you for writing this deeply moving blog post. They say we meet Christ in those around us; I wept as I sensed the deep love you feel to those who despise and reject you for being the person God created you to be. You are surely a woman of sorrows, and acquainted with grief...

  10. So sorry that you not only get this reaction from society, but you get it from what should be a caring supportive family of Christians.

    Be assured that you have allies - not everyone thinks in such a destructive way, and there are (too few, maybe) places that are safe for you to be you.

    Hope you have better days, filled with lught and colour!