sacrifice

When I first saw the Living Out website, I struggled to find words or reason to explain why it made me feel so sick to my stomach, so wounded and so devastated.

After initially wanting to pick apart every unfounded thing they say I realised that it struck a deeper chord with me than a battle of intellectual wills.

The views on the website are widely focused around sex and sexual attraction (there is very few mentions of 'love'). One of the arguments put forward is that same-sex attracted couples should sacrifice a sexual relationship because, in light of Jesus' sacrifice, it is a small price to pay.

And this got me thinking about what 'sacrifice' means. For the men who wrote this website, they obviously believe they are called to sacrifice sex and same sex relationships. I say, if that is the first thing in their life that has to go- the 'big' sacrifice that they need to sing and shout about- then lucky them. Oh how, when looking back on my life, I wish the only sacrifice I ever had to make was a relationship with another human.

I believe we are all called to sacrifice different things in our lives- the things that hold us back from a full relationship with God. I do believe though that these are things which are detrimental to our souls, not things which bring us peace and joy.

I feel that my own experience of sacrifice in my life demonstrates this. Without going into too much detail, I suffered from a life changing, recurrent mental health problem throughout my late teens and early 20s, which had been a second sting after living with other mental health problems since childhood. My entire existence was defined by my illness. I used it to control everything in my life, yet in reality it controlled me. It caused me more pain and darkness than I have ever thought possible for a soul to bear, especially one which was already as battered and bruised as mine. My illness became far more important to me than God- it was my only focus, my only interest, it was the thing I found every aspect of my identity and self in.

At some point, I was going to have to relinquish control. To sacrifice something that I wasn't sure I could survive without. I was going to have to take a massive leap of faith, and allow God to bring healing and restoration. I couldn't just 'give up' my illness- because I was ill and being ill or well is not a choice, but I could reduce some of the behaviours my illness made me want to find comfort in. I could allow my heart to trust that God would fill the gap which losing my illness would leave. I could let go of the identity I had and find a new one in God.

This was sacrifice to me. I did it because I know God is Sovereign and would never leave me out of my depth for longer than I could survive.

My partner has been a massive support in my recovery. She came into my life at just the time I needed a arm to hold me. Her rational responses to adversaries in life was exactly what I needed to help me become anchored to reality after years of disillusionment and false expectations and beliefs.

At the time I met my partner, many people tried to convince me it was wrong and I should sacrifice the relationship in order to lead a godly life. But I had spent all my remaining energy and strength on sacrificing the thing which was literally killing me, and I could not believe that while still trying to overcome my biggest nemesis, that God would expect me to sacrifice even more- but this time something that legitimately brought me hope, and helped me to draw closer to God. I know it would have killed me, and to be honest, I don't think God actually wanted me dead.

Although the Living Out writers might advocate 'sacrificing' same sex relationships, for me personally, this wasn't an option I could just take. I had already given up my entire identity to let God rebuild it, and I was in no place to have my identity stripped all over again. I believe that God is merciful, and I believe he knew what he was doing with me and my life all along. And I certainly don't believe he ever placed any expectation or demands on me to sacrifice my relationship. And I am very glad I didn't because as much as I wanted to be dead back then, I know that wasn't in God's plans for me.

I don't believe sacrifice is ever about giving up everything God has blessed you with. Perhaps in some cases it is, but how dangerous is it to think that our God would ever want us to throw away the things he has given us under the pretence that it somehow demonstrates our commitment to him. How much more does God want us to give up the evil and unhealthy things in our lives? Or the seemingly good things which veil wrong motivations and ungodly hearts?

I believe that one day I will live in a world where I never have to experience the despair I was chained to ever again. That is the injustice and hurt in this world which I believe requests a response of sacrifice. I believe in a heaven where only good exists and in our world, where we ask for God's kingdom to come, I think we should be weeding out the bad in anticipation of this kingdom, not sacrificing the good and love-filled things which will one day be reflected in the everlasting goodness of our God.

becoming free at two:23

So they've made as much progress with the same- sex marriage bill as Morrison's have made towards becoming a good supermarket but luckily for those of us still awaiting Her Majesty's royal stamp on our ticket to a life like the Jones', there is hope in the form of this:

http://two23.net/

The concept is simple: interested parties attend a worship service in London, where a guest speaker enlightens us about a topical issue and then we 'network' and make new friends.

It's a powerful place to be, many people have been stung by the thorny experience of church rejection and many are passionate about seeing real change in the way gay people in the church are treated. To hear the worship come from the lips of those so often told they do not 'qualify' to worship is a truly beautiful experience. As it is also, to hear speakers talk about topics such as family without the implicit heterosexism which is usually endorsed by the church.

It is a healing experience. To be part of the network, for me, is to feel that my life as a gay Christian has a license, that I am not simply tolerated by the church but that I am a warranted member of it. The freedom to be 'me' which has been robbed through past treatment by the church is being re-established and not only that, but re-ignited in its most passionate form.

Two:23 has been growing with each meeting, and the second meeting had parents of LGBT people sharing their experiences, showing how widespread the passion for equality is, and showing that the inclusion that can be found extends beyond those of us directly affected.

My favourite aspect of two:23 is how 'normal' it really is. It's no gay parade of rainbows and glitter, it's not some freakshow as some of us have been made to feel in our own churches, it's people like you and me, who just happen to be facing the same uphill struggle. It's fun and lighthearted, but with plenty of opportunity to speak freely, lose those chains others have placed on us, and seek true fellowship with no elephants in the room. 

I hope to see you at the next one!

naughty churches

So it's been a while since I blogged, mainly because I wanted to take a break from being immersed in debate and getting repeatedly exasperated at the ignorant views bandied around the world wide web. But I have been watching all the discussions from afar and formulating opinions, as ever.

I read an article today which I would love to link to, but I don't want to point any fingers, not in this instance. But it was written by a guy who works now at a church I left many years ago and it reminded me of a lot.

I'd say instinct made me leave, but really it was the insidious pressure that was inflicted on members of the congregation, slowly and painfully squeezing everyone into a very small and very conservative box. This was within the era where I was a good little Christian girl, not a foot out of line and dynamically 'Christian'. If I didn't fit that box even then, then heaven knows what they'd make of me now.

But the church remains, having squeezed out all members who had opinions that didn't meet their hefty standards (and I mean, hordes of people, I could name at least 10 couples/families), and now it is reformed with its own set of box-fitting members.

It makes me sad, as this is the church I spent a large part of time growing up in. The one who welcomed my family as a decent measure of pew fillers, and then spat us all out as soon as we didn't fit. And regrettably, 'fitting' in this church isn't even simply based on religious views, it's based on social position. To be a member was to be a reasonably affluent, tea party holding, clean shaven, Brady bunch.

Their views haven't changed. They are stagnated as ever, whereas the rest of us who dared to move have found freedom which was so impeded. It makes me proud to see a former co-attendee now a woman vicar.

So the article, is almost irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. It's not about one ordained member writing a scathing review on homosexuality which takes pride of place on the church's website (at least that's one way of letting any potential members know who is and isn't welcome!), it's about the whole attitude of the church which is so sadly shared by so many.

Yesterday I learned that the church of England has decided to allow celibate gay bishops. Which makes me ponder... that day when I declared myself as being in a celibate same-sex relationship, and I was turned away from a church. It was above one vicar to allow me, but it is not above the Church of England to appoint gay bishops. It shows the homophobia veiled by religion yet again. It is not a debate of religious morals but of personal ones.

So now I suppose it would be hypocritical for the C of E to disallow celibate same-sex partnered congregation when we are allowed to be led by people in that position. I wonder if any of those vicars I've met in the past who would take issue have even realised this implication.

So that is all I'm saying for now. Yes I am excited by the same-sex marriage proposals, and yes I think that it is probably best that the Church of England is left out of the mix, if they're gonna act like babies then they should expect to be treated as such. But these are all stories for another time...