i was there...

I've been so tired lately of people who are completely and utterly on the outside of my relationship, looking in and trying to give my partner and I their two cents about why it is so wrong that we are together. So, here's an inside story, here's what our relationship really looks like and this is why nobody ever has the right to intellectualise love.

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There's a beautiful, clever, wonderful girl who walks this earth. Who, when I met her, was beaten and battered by the tribulations of the world. She was shy and quiet but the moment I saw her I could see so many other layers, waiting to be stripped off to show underneath her exterior there was a vulnerability. Yet, even deeper still there was a fiery, adventurous and tenacious spirit.

I was there when she began to face up to a trauma she had experienced years earlier. I was there when she started to peel back the layers, exposing her inner self as we investigated her past to bring the hidden darkness to light.

I was there when she was consumed with depression. I was the one who helped her accept her illness and helped her to seek the support she needed.

I was there when she started having panic attacks, when she was caught off guard on so many moments, locked away, struggling to breathe. I was the only one who she would unlock that door for, because I was the only one who had started to unlock the layers of her.

I was the one who knew about those times she cut her skin. I was the one who kissed her wounds better, who told her that no cut could run as deep as my love for her.

I was there when she shut off from the world. I became her world, as did she mine, and together we re-entered reality and found our paths back to life and back to God.

I was there when she found herself without a penny to her name, reassuring her that it would all work out. I would have given her every cent I owned if I could have.

I was there all those nights she cried until her eyes ran dry. All her tears were wiped away by my hands. All those sobs at 3am were heard only by me. I was the one who comforted her with safe arms.

I was there when she took flight. When she ran away from all the hurt and pain, I ran with her because as long as I was there she would never be alone.

I was there when she questioned, questioned what she was here to do, questioned her very worth and even the point of staying alive. I was there to help her find answers, to find a level of satisfaction in this world, to guide her out of the darkness.

I was there when she started to shed the layers. When she found her voice, her strength, and her self. I watched her grow. I watched her learn. I watched her blossom to become not only somebody loved by the world but someone who knew how to love herself.

I was there through every illness, through all the anxiety, confusion and sadness. I was there when she had to do some of the things which terrified her more than death can terrify me or you or anyone.

I was there time and time again. I have been there so many times, listening to her heartbeat, hearing her breathe. I have been there as she has lived the past six years. I have been real, present and relentless.

When I met her, she was a girl of silence and now she has a song. The most beautiful song which I see play as she smiles, dances, sleeps and lives. Her song is so beautiful because it is the song of a life that is full, satisfied. A life that has seen pain and has risen from darkness. A song that has as many layers as her soul and a melody as beautiful as she is.

Can you hear her song? Does it play when you hear her voice, when you imagine her face? When you speak her name?

I fear you cannot hear it. You hear her name, you see her face and you hear a song. The song played in movies when the villain enters the room. Your own song, a fanfare, drowning out her own rhythms. Or even silence. Because you know her as that girl she once was, the girl with all her layers on, the girl with a song that can only be heard by those who were there. I was there.

Because I was there, and because I love her, unconditionally, unchangeably, incomprehensibly, my own song fits perfectly with hers. My heart sings my song even louder when inflamed with the passion she draws out of me and my song joins with hers in perfect melody. You weren't there. You sing your song so loudly in the vain hope her melody will fit to yours. But without being there, without a love that goes beyond the judgement of her exterior layer, you are simply a repetitive drone and your song and hers are like clashing symbols.

I will always be there. I will hear every sob from her mouth, wipe tears from her eyes, kiss her every cut. And I will hold her hand until the very end.

Our songs will never stop playing in harmony together. Before drowning her out with empty noise, why don't you try to hear her song? Start being there, start listening, start peeling back the layers. This is love, when two souls meet. This is reality, when your understanding is not excluded by your 2D vision of a girl who once was but is no more. This is salvation, when your song is listened to by a God who could listen all day to the beauty you exude. A God who wants to hear the hurt and love in your song. A God who sings in harmony with you. This is life. This is how we live life, how we survive, how we reach our potential. By being there. By listening. By going deeper into a person's soul. By understanding their hurts, by collecting their tears, by guiding them with gentle hands.

God was there, I was there, she was there. We all hear her song and we all know how to love her right. We know who she really is and we will always be there to keep her song in tune and her heart beautiful.

But you were not there.

compassion

Where does compassion come into all of this?

I was struck today by some comments on twitter. I've put them down at the bottom of this post if you want to torture yourself with some very odd (at best, offensive at worst) comments.

What got me was the striking lack of compassion. After throwing a sarky comment at one of these little commentator warriors, pointing out his lack of compassion, I had the comment "not sure where compassion comes into it" bounced back at me. Which made me think... well, where does compassion come into it?!

How many people can say they know for sure that everything they do is either right or wrong? I don't see my lovelife as being sinful. Many people don't see women in leadership as sinful. Or swearing. Or white lies. Or getting divorced. Or having a massive wad of cash in the bank etc etc. The jury is out on many of these things and we are left to discern whether we think we are sinning or whether it is something we see no conviction for and feel no conviction for. No-one would repent for doing things that they don't believe are wrong things to do.

So we all live our merry lives, doing good things and bad things, repenting for the things we know we shouldn't do, being ignorantly blissful about many of our sins, doing things we sincerely believe are right (which in many cases are) and not doing good things because we perceive them as sinful.

Not one single person on this planet does it right all the time. If God was a judgemental God, with no compassion (as we all seem to spend half our lives trying to replicate) then we would all be screwed. It isn't as simple as 'repent and be un-screwed' because we don't even know half the things we are supposed to be repenting for and we get muddled. If God wants anyone to be saved, then He is going to have to have compassion on us and forgive us for the things we never knew to repent for.

The CofE confession liturgy says this:
"We have left undone those things that we ought to have done;
and we have done those things that we ought not to have done"

Now, does anyone look at their day, week, month etc and recognise every single thing they ought to have done? No, because we can't even recognise when we are sinning by omission. So we pray this blanket prayer- we ask for forgiveness in general for anything which wasn't pleasing to God. Similarly, we can't recognise every sin we have done. So we say a blanket prayer (as well as specifying anything we do know was wrong) and we ask for forgiveness for our wrongdoing- including things we believed to be right. We are all asking God to be compassionate and not to penalise us when we sincerely do want to do right by Him and we do sincerely recognise our need for forgiveness and ask for it. 

If a Christian doesn't believe that being in a same-sex relationship is sinful and you tell them they should be judged for this 'sin'... then surely you are saying you should be judged for all the things you do, or should have done, which are sinful but you think are OK or you didn't realise you should have or shouldn't have done. Yet you don't think this- you think that  you are covered because you've repented with a blanket prayer- asking that God will have mercy on you for the sins you didn't think you'd committed. Which is the same confession LGBT people say- and so if God's merciful judgement extends to you then it should extend to them... right? 

So that's where compassion comes into it. We need God to be compassionate in His judgement of us because we have no way of meeting his standard. And so we need to have compassion when judging others. It makes me think of a little baby who is yet to learn what is right and wrong. She does lovely things, like nuzzling her head into you for a cuddle and then she does that thing which really hurts you- she grabs your hair and she pulls on it (with some sort of superhuman strength only babies have when on a hair pulling adventure). How many times have my nieces pulled my hair, ripped my nose stud from my nose, scratched me with their little baby nails? What is our response- we don't punish them, we have compassion on them. We accept that they don't know any better, that they don't realise how much it hurts us. Then, as they grow older we start to teach them right from wrong. We teach them the general principles of morality- not hurting others and so on. We don't hold it against them forever that when they were babies they hurt us by pulling our hair. We let it go and spend our time worrying about the times they deliberately hurt us, once they knew right and wrong, rather than dwelling on their accidental wrongs. If we only punished, and never showed compassion, then we would be seriously lacking love in this world. And God does not lack love.

James 2:13 says "judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgement". 

And Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God's chosen people... clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

So call me sinful if you like and tell me I am damned based on the small fragment of my life which is on display to you, but I think I'm alright because I trust God's compassion and He sees the whole picture and will therefore judge fairly. And as for you, I hope this small fragment of your life I'm seeing- you as a compassion lacking, judgement spewing Tweeter- doesn't represent the whole picture of your life. Because then we'd all just be as damned as each other.

From Twitter:

"welcoming, yes. Loving yes. Accepting sin as being ok and not doing anything to turn from it, no. #letsNotDiluteTheWord"

"put that down to propaganda by the media, soaps, celebrities, BBC, repeal of clause 28, PC, Stonewall etc" (in response to why we are finally making progress on this issue)

"Tired of people trying to turn the Church into the Libdems or some other PC horror show."

sacrifice

When I first saw the Living Out website, I struggled to find words or reason to explain why it made me feel so sick to my stomach, so wounded and so devastated.

After initially wanting to pick apart every unfounded thing they say I realised that it struck a deeper chord with me than a battle of intellectual wills.

The views on the website are widely focused around sex and sexual attraction (there is very few mentions of 'love'). One of the arguments put forward is that same-sex attracted couples should sacrifice a sexual relationship because, in light of Jesus' sacrifice, it is a small price to pay.

And this got me thinking about what 'sacrifice' means. For the men who wrote this website, they obviously believe they are called to sacrifice sex and same sex relationships. I say, if that is the first thing in their life that has to go- the 'big' sacrifice that they need to sing and shout about- then lucky them. Oh how, when looking back on my life, I wish the only sacrifice I ever had to make was a relationship with another human.

I believe we are all called to sacrifice different things in our lives- the things that hold us back from a full relationship with God. I do believe though that these are things which are detrimental to our souls, not things which bring us peace and joy.

I feel that my own experience of sacrifice in my life demonstrates this. Without going into too much detail, I suffered from a life changing, recurrent mental health problem throughout my late teens and early 20s, which had been a second sting after living with other mental health problems since childhood. My entire existence was defined by my illness. I used it to control everything in my life, yet in reality it controlled me. It caused me more pain and darkness than I have ever thought possible for a soul to bear, especially one which was already as battered and bruised as mine. My illness became far more important to me than God- it was my only focus, my only interest, it was the thing I found every aspect of my identity and self in.

At some point, I was going to have to relinquish control. To sacrifice something that I wasn't sure I could survive without. I was going to have to take a massive leap of faith, and allow God to bring healing and restoration. I couldn't just 'give up' my illness- because I was ill and being ill or well is not a choice, but I could reduce some of the behaviours my illness made me want to find comfort in. I could allow my heart to trust that God would fill the gap which losing my illness would leave. I could let go of the identity I had and find a new one in God.

This was sacrifice to me. I did it because I know God is Sovereign and would never leave me out of my depth for longer than I could survive.

My partner has been a massive support in my recovery. She came into my life at just the time I needed a arm to hold me. Her rational responses to adversaries in life was exactly what I needed to help me become anchored to reality after years of disillusionment and false expectations and beliefs.

At the time I met my partner, many people tried to convince me it was wrong and I should sacrifice the relationship in order to lead a godly life. But I had spent all my remaining energy and strength on sacrificing the thing which was literally killing me, and I could not believe that while still trying to overcome my biggest nemesis, that God would expect me to sacrifice even more- but this time something that legitimately brought me hope, and helped me to draw closer to God. I know it would have killed me, and to be honest, I don't think God actually wanted me dead.

Although the Living Out writers might advocate 'sacrificing' same sex relationships, for me personally, this wasn't an option I could just take. I had already given up my entire identity to let God rebuild it, and I was in no place to have my identity stripped all over again. I believe that God is merciful, and I believe he knew what he was doing with me and my life all along. And I certainly don't believe he ever placed any expectation or demands on me to sacrifice my relationship. And I am very glad I didn't because as much as I wanted to be dead back then, I know that wasn't in God's plans for me.

I don't believe sacrifice is ever about giving up everything God has blessed you with. Perhaps in some cases it is, but how dangerous is it to think that our God would ever want us to throw away the things he has given us under the pretence that it somehow demonstrates our commitment to him. How much more does God want us to give up the evil and unhealthy things in our lives? Or the seemingly good things which veil wrong motivations and ungodly hearts?

I believe that one day I will live in a world where I never have to experience the despair I was chained to ever again. That is the injustice and hurt in this world which I believe requests a response of sacrifice. I believe in a heaven where only good exists and in our world, where we ask for God's kingdom to come, I think we should be weeding out the bad in anticipation of this kingdom, not sacrificing the good and love-filled things which will one day be reflected in the everlasting goodness of our God.

becoming free at two:23

So they've made as much progress with the same- sex marriage bill as Morrison's have made towards becoming a good supermarket but luckily for those of us still awaiting Her Majesty's royal stamp on our ticket to a life like the Jones', there is hope in the form of this:

http://two23.net/

The concept is simple: interested parties attend a worship service in London, where a guest speaker enlightens us about a topical issue and then we 'network' and make new friends.

It's a powerful place to be, many people have been stung by the thorny experience of church rejection and many are passionate about seeing real change in the way gay people in the church are treated. To hear the worship come from the lips of those so often told they do not 'qualify' to worship is a truly beautiful experience. As it is also, to hear speakers talk about topics such as family without the implicit heterosexism which is usually endorsed by the church.

It is a healing experience. To be part of the network, for me, is to feel that my life as a gay Christian has a license, that I am not simply tolerated by the church but that I am a warranted member of it. The freedom to be 'me' which has been robbed through past treatment by the church is being re-established and not only that, but re-ignited in its most passionate form.

Two:23 has been growing with each meeting, and the second meeting had parents of LGBT people sharing their experiences, showing how widespread the passion for equality is, and showing that the inclusion that can be found extends beyond those of us directly affected.

My favourite aspect of two:23 is how 'normal' it really is. It's no gay parade of rainbows and glitter, it's not some freakshow as some of us have been made to feel in our own churches, it's people like you and me, who just happen to be facing the same uphill struggle. It's fun and lighthearted, but with plenty of opportunity to speak freely, lose those chains others have placed on us, and seek true fellowship with no elephants in the room. 

I hope to see you at the next one!

naughty churches

So it's been a while since I blogged, mainly because I wanted to take a break from being immersed in debate and getting repeatedly exasperated at the ignorant views bandied around the world wide web. But I have been watching all the discussions from afar and formulating opinions, as ever.

I read an article today which I would love to link to, but I don't want to point any fingers, not in this instance. But it was written by a guy who works now at a church I left many years ago and it reminded me of a lot.

I'd say instinct made me leave, but really it was the insidious pressure that was inflicted on members of the congregation, slowly and painfully squeezing everyone into a very small and very conservative box. This was within the era where I was a good little Christian girl, not a foot out of line and dynamically 'Christian'. If I didn't fit that box even then, then heaven knows what they'd make of me now.

But the church remains, having squeezed out all members who had opinions that didn't meet their hefty standards (and I mean, hordes of people, I could name at least 10 couples/families), and now it is reformed with its own set of box-fitting members.

It makes me sad, as this is the church I spent a large part of time growing up in. The one who welcomed my family as a decent measure of pew fillers, and then spat us all out as soon as we didn't fit. And regrettably, 'fitting' in this church isn't even simply based on religious views, it's based on social position. To be a member was to be a reasonably affluent, tea party holding, clean shaven, Brady bunch.

Their views haven't changed. They are stagnated as ever, whereas the rest of us who dared to move have found freedom which was so impeded. It makes me proud to see a former co-attendee now a woman vicar.

So the article, is almost irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. It's not about one ordained member writing a scathing review on homosexuality which takes pride of place on the church's website (at least that's one way of letting any potential members know who is and isn't welcome!), it's about the whole attitude of the church which is so sadly shared by so many.

Yesterday I learned that the church of England has decided to allow celibate gay bishops. Which makes me ponder... that day when I declared myself as being in a celibate same-sex relationship, and I was turned away from a church. It was above one vicar to allow me, but it is not above the Church of England to appoint gay bishops. It shows the homophobia veiled by religion yet again. It is not a debate of religious morals but of personal ones.

So now I suppose it would be hypocritical for the C of E to disallow celibate same-sex partnered congregation when we are allowed to be led by people in that position. I wonder if any of those vicars I've met in the past who would take issue have even realised this implication.

So that is all I'm saying for now. Yes I am excited by the same-sex marriage proposals, and yes I think that it is probably best that the Church of England is left out of the mix, if they're gonna act like babies then they should expect to be treated as such. But these are all stories for another time...

5 reasons why I can't follow a religion that condemns homosexuality

1. What I know of Jesus.

Society is obsessed with sex, the church is obsessed with sex, human beings are obsessed with sex. Jesus, was not obsessed with sex. In fact, sex wasn’t really a topic Jesus is recorded as talking about. The closest Jesus got to giving us guidance on relationships was in urging people not to divorce. This tells us that Jesus is big on commitment, monogamy, and love, suggesting these are the keys to a healthy relationship rather than gender.

Jesus told us to love others, to give to the needy, to forgive, not to worry, to not judge others, to seek him, to give freely, to recognise that we are

valuable, to acknowledge him, to love God, to lead others to him, and to trust in him. Yet I’ve never known someone to get kicked out of a church for being stingy with their money, for worrying, for having low self-esteem. So why does the church decide that being gay is a greater evil than the sins that actively disobey Jesus’ teachings?

I always like to think about if Jesus were here today, right here amongst us, and living in our culture and our times. Do you think Jesus would be a vicar who exiles members of his church upon hearing they are gay? Do you think Jesus would be a leader of a Christian organisation who keeps a blog in which he constantly speaks out against all gay people? Do you think Jesus would be a Bishop who expresses fear and disgust at the idea of homosexuality? Do you think Jesus would start a campaign rallying people to deny gay people equal rights? Do you think Jesus would marginalise, discriminate, or even hate? Do you think Jesus would judge a person based on their sexuality rather than who they really are inside? Do you think Jesus would perpetuate division in the church over the issue? Do you think Jesus would hold up a sign saying “I hate fags”?

Do you think, that if you could answer yes to any of those questions, that you would even want to follow that Jesus?

The Jesus I know is about goodness- love, acceptance, forgiveness. He isn’t about casting blind, blanket judgement.

2. What I know of God.

God created me. He planned what I would be like, and he put this plan into action when my DNA first existed on this earth. He knew the twists and turns my life would take, and he knew that one day, when I was 18 years old, I would meet someone special. Someone who complemented my personality perfectly, someone whose DNA fitted together with mine in a very beautiful way, someone whose face made my God given body parts flutter and dance, someone I could share a love for him with, someone who brought me happiness, someone who made my soul sit up and wonder what had just hit it. Someone who he had formed before birth, who he had planned a life for, who he loves very, very much.

God is good, a fundamental Christian truth. Would it be good to create two amazingly compatible people, who were bound to fall in love because of the way they were created, because of the life they’d had, to watch their independent lives as they edged closer and closer to the moment their worlds collided, to watch the joy they brought each other, only to say “nah, not allowed”?

Would it make any sense at all for God to create gay people, or allow them to be gay, knowing that they are severely disadvantaged in terms of their eligibility for Christianity? It would be like a mother only allowing her children to be part of the family if they are born blonde. The child can either live their life dying their hair blonde, covering up who they really are, or they can face inevitable exclusion. Church leaders require celibacy from gay people, yet this would be like the mother making the child shave their head- its ok to have the genes of a brunette, but you cannot practise being brunette, you cannot outwardly be brunette, you cannot enjoy your brown hair, and you will surely never be loved because of it. Oh, and don’t forget the blonde sibling, they’ll shun the brunette too, telling them that they must shave their head, that mum won’t want them otherwise. But isn’t that incredibly easy for the blonde to say? How would the blonde child feel if they were the one who would never feel good enough, would never be good enough? 

Does God love us unconditionally? Does he love us regardless of our sexuality? Would he want us living as people we are not inside? Would it be fair of him to create us all, heterosexual and homosexual, knowing that only the former are allowed to enjoy sexual, close relationships? Would God really expect homosexual people to deny, ignore and resist and entire part of who they really are?

The God I know loves us unconditionally, and is fair, and wants the best for us. Can this still be true for a God who does not accept his gay children? If God were a God who rejected the love of a person (towards him) because of their love for a person of the same sex (who he created to be compatible), then is this a God you would want to follow?

3. What I know of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit (among other things): anoints for service, assures, calls and commissions, convicts us of sin, guides us in truth, helps us in our weakness, lives in us, leads us, moulds our character, and teaches us.

So I’m a Christian, the Holy Spirit therefore lives in me and does all of the above tasks. So why do other Christians try and take over the role of the Holy Spirit in my life? Why does my (former) vicar think that his conviction of my sins, his anointing, his truth, his guidance, is greater than that of the Holy Spirit’s in my life?

I have certainly struggled over whether I am right to pursue same-sex relationships. I have looked to Jesus and found he said little about it, but that his emphasis on love does not condemn me. I have looked to God and figured he loves me unconditionally. But to be absolutely sure, I feel like I need to listen to the Holy Spirit, to let him guide me. I let the Holy Spirit convict me, any Christian knows that feeling of conviction, it isn’t quite like guilt, it’s not necessarily a sudden remorse, it isn’t even always a desire to repent. It’s just that feeling deep within that lets you know you’re barking up the wrong tree, that what you’re doing isn’t what God wants you to be doing. But in regards to my sexuality, I am not yet convicted. I am passionate about seeing equality in this area, I am alive with thoughts and arguments (more than I have ever had about any topic), I am (humbly!) proud to be who God made me to be, I feel like my purpose is to be an agent of change on this issue.

Either, the HS isn’t doing his job very well, which is a ludicrous claim as God does everything perfectly, or I am simply defying the HS, which wouldn’t make sense for me to do- why would I change my ways based on what the Spirit was telling me in all areas except one. Or maybe I’m not really a Christian and so the HS isn’t really in me, in which case why am I ever convicted about anything? Or maybe it’s the devil who is enticing me to false security, making me think it’s ok when it isn’t… but if that’s the case then I don’t see how I’m not powerless to that in which case I don’t see how it’s my fault.

Long story short, the Holy Spirit lets me know when I am doing things wrong, and someone else telling me I’m wrong isn’t going to make any difference unless I hear it first from God himself.

4. What I know of the Church.

The church is made up of people, people get things wrong, ergo the church can get things wrong.

Let’s imagine the church is right, and it really is sinful to be in a same-sex relationship. Does that mean the church is right to marginalise gay people? That it is right for them to put homosexuality on top of the hierarchy of sin (that they have created)? There is no denying the church has gone the wrong way about it all, even if they are right.

The hypocrisy of church is a theme that runs through this entire blog, because the church is repeatedly undermining its own authority on the issue. Divorce, sex before marriage, financial sins, pride, unforgiveness etc etc… the congregation arrives each Sunday rife with sins that they don’t intend to repent from. Some feign repentance and some hide the sin altogether, and quite often the church turns a blind eye. They take the mentality of ‘if we can’t see it then it isn’t happening’, and how many people do you think remain active members of the church, leaders even, under this pretence?

Then someone like me comes along, I don’t start serving until I know the church would be comfortable with it, I don’t hide my ‘sin’ or my intention to ‘sin’, I don’t make excuses. I tell them outright that I am in a same-sex relationship. And it’s game over, my only lifeline is to repent from something that I do not believe is a sin. I am penalised for being honest, I am outside the church while all those with covert affairs, numerous marriages, ill-gotten gains, a disinterest in the needy, hatred in their hearts, are on the inside. None of us are without sin, yet my ‘sin’ is not allowed to co-exist alongside the sin of other church goers.

If the church treated me in the same way that it treats straight people, then I might actually listen to what it has to say. All I can see is one set of rules for one group, and another for us.

Another issue I take with the church, is it’s equation of homosexuality with sex. The bible seems to say a lot more about sexual immorality in general than homosexuality and for that reason, I personally believe abstaining until marriage/civil partnership is the best way. That means that, unlike a lot of Christians (a LOT more than the church is willing to recognise) I am not being sexually immoral, yet I am treated as if I am. When I was kicked out of my church they said to me “we’re kicking out the straight couple who are having premarital sex too”, as if that assures me of their equality. But I just felt frustrated, that I am trying to be as holy and godly as possible, considering the fact my sexual attraction to the same-sex will never be seen as holy or godly, and yet I am placed in the ‘sexual sin bin’.

Being gay only leads to sexual sin because it is impossible for us to confine sex for marriage- because the church withholds marriage from us! If we could get married, then we could keep sex sacred (from the viewpoint of the church) and be treated in the same way as our heterosexual brothers and sisters, without having a ‘sexual sin stamp’ placed on our forehead.

The only way homosexual people can meet the standards of the church is to never have sex, whether in a civil partnership or not. This is unfair, shows no compassion, is very easy for a married heterosexual with a life of abundant sex to say, and doesn’t allow a gay person to express who they truly are. Not to mention we have to somehow never lust, somehow quench any sexual attraction that naturally comes with love, somehow cease to be sexual beings altogether. It is completely repressive, and makes me imagine the church as some sort of slave driver, who enjoys a lavish lifestyle while laughing at the slaves who will never get a taste of it.

So the church needs to stop criminalising homosexuality, to stop making it into a bigger sin than any other, to stop assuming being homosexuality invalidates you as a serving member of the church, to stop placing unrealistic expectations on gay people, to stop repressing them, marginalising them and treating them differently. And to stop assuming that being in love with someone of the same sex means that we are all automatically sinners.

5. What I know of the bible

This is the crux of the matter. Those few words printed in that book are the beginning of all of this. If just a few words in the bible had been omitted, or translated differently then (technically) there would be no argument whatsoever to assume homosexuality is wrong, as a Christian.

Firstly, we are going to have to assume the bible is infallible. That means there is no chance it has been interpreted wrongly, there is no way that they views express the writers’ rather than God’s, that every word written has been preserved with its original meaning intact.

I’ll let us assume that, because it’s a widely held view by Christians that the bible is infallible. But then we’ve got more issues, the issue of context mainly. Can a Christian categorically, definitely, doubtlessly argue that the few verses which mention homosexuality are a) relevant to our culture, b) semantically interpreted in a way that reflects the context of the time it was written, and c) are read with regard to the immediate context of the surrounding verses.

I won’t go into the verses here, because I have before and because there are many websites explaining it better than I can.

But what I know of the bible, is that it has a whole lot more about a whole many more issues. Homosexuality is a tiny issue embedded between teachings about hundreds of things. It is a secondary issue, with doctrinal teaching requiring our main attention. Where it is briefly mentioned, there is ambiguity around translation, context, intent, applicability etc.

I follow as much of the bible as I can, and the bits I don’t manage I repent of. But I don’t see how, or why, I should follow a few questionable verses which defy my very nature and innate being. I go back to my earlier analogy- imagine there was a verse that said “brown hair is unnatural and detestable,” firstly, you would think it unfair that you were penalised for the way you were made, you’d be frustrated that you had to spend your life covering up or denying the way you were made. You would find it almost impossible to imagine how God could say such a thing, or how other Christians could so easily pass judgement on you.

Now imagine, that the verses saying your hair is a sinful colour, might not be so true. Imagine it was translated wrongly, it might not mean ‘hair’ as such but might actually mean ‘wig’ and it’s been saying all along that brown wigs are sinful. But if it did mean hair, then it turns out, that at the time brown hair had entirely different connotations, meaning it meant a lot more back then than simply hair colour, that brown hair was used in an evil way which it isn’t used anymore. Imagine there was a small chance the verse was only there because the writer didn’t like brown- haired people.

All the blonde people don’t bother to look into whether the verse meant wig, or whether the verses apply in the current context. They don’t need to- they are blonde, if the bible says being brunette is sinful then it is. They’ll point out to all the brunettes who haven’t shaved their heads, or dyed their hair, that they don’t belong, that they can’t be members of the church, that they don’t deserve the same rights as blonde people. All the while, the brunettes will easily say that the verses are out of context, translated wrongly, that condemnation based on the way they are born does not tie in with the overall message of the bible, that even if it is completely wrong then that doesn’t give the church the right to treat them badly.

___________

And so, those are five reasons that the church's anti-gay stance infuriates me. If homosexuality is sinful after all then there is still no justification for the way gay people are treated by the church and by other Christians. The God I know puts love over condemnation, grace over law, and understanding over judgement. And that is the God I choose to follow.

the great hypocrisy

Over the past week, since my excommunication from my church, I've been trying to gather my thoughts and feelings about it. I'm still a bit speechless, stunned, and numb but also incredibly sad and a little bit angry.

But I think somewhere in the big mess of emotion I am lost in, I have located where that niggling feeling is dwelling.

It's the fact that our country has an issue of inequality on their hands. You would expect that the church would be leading the way in any issue of inequality, that it would be the Christians who push for justice and equality, that we would be able to rely on churches, at least, to be accepting and loving among our selfish society. It's all we bang on about in sermons, when we tell people about Jesus, when we go about our outreach work; we tell everyone about the love, acceptance and fellowship that Christianity offers.

But in reality, the Church is perceived by society as a barrier to LGB equality. By producing petitions against same-sex marriage, by kicking people out of church, by condemning all LGB people, Christians are not practicing these values they teach. Instead, the acceptance and love is being promoted by secular groups and fellowship is hard to find for LGB Christians.

Thanks to the media, and a few influential religious bigots, our country has become a society of 'us' and 'them', there is an increasingly bipolar view of the church being collectively against homosexuality and the rest of society being for. It doesn't take a genius to see who comes out looking bad.

'Society' has no reason to accept LGB people, yet it does anyway. Christians have many reasons to accept LGB people, yet it doesn't.

So that is what bothers me the most, it's the fact that society is one step ahead of the church, it's standing there encouraging the church to move forwards, like a mother encouraging her child to take its first step. All the while the church is standing there, like a stubborn child with its arms crossed, refusing to move, thus frustrating everyone and making itself look like a defiant so and so.

The church needs to stop preaching about things it doesn't practice. Which sounds harsh, but I spent 2 months at a church, listening to endless sermons about loving others, celebrating the people God made us to be, being encouraged and built up, and affirmed in my identity as a Christian, only for every word they preached to become empty words the moment the church failed to put them into practice.

Can we please end this massive hypocrisy in churches? Can the church please stop pretending it is something it isn't? Can we turn churches from places that exile you to places that unconditionally accept you?

And to those of us who want to be Christians who practice what we preach, who love and accept in the same unconditional way that Jesus did, it's time for us to take a stand, to let the rest of the country know that Christians do lobby for equality, and that there is a place for everybody in God's family.


Disclaimer: in my polarisation of views I have obviously omitted mention of the positions of other religions. This is because it's the church that seems to have drawn all this attention to itself, and intervened with politics on the premise that we are a 'christian country'. So I'm not saying Christians are responsible for all opposition against equality for gay people (or that all Christians are responsible!), but just that their voice of opposition is coming across worryingly loudly.